I've never truly loved 'til you put your arms around me
by Spencer Salvawhore
Summary: Spencer reflects on just how much Toby changed her life, as she spends a lazy afternoon with him. Fluff. Canon based. Future-ish. One shot.


**a/n: this is a random Spoby one shot that came to my mind, and I just had to write it out. It's all pretty much fluff, which is not something I usually write. :P Anyway, go ahead and read it, and PLEASE leave me your reviews. **

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><p><em>you put your arms around me<em>

xxx

_h u g s_: **[verb] **_squeeze (someone) tightly in one's arms, typically to express affection._

She'd never been the biggest fan of hugging. Not that she didn't like it – she did, quite a bit – but no one really hugged her all that much. Having grown up in the almost cold, detached house of Hastings, Spencer had never really understood the need for hugs, for the comfort they gave, or the affection it displayed.

When she won a competition, or topped the school, her parents would congratulate her, but there was always a lack of warmth in it. They were proud of her, she knew that, but they were never _warm_ or _loving_ or _affectionate_. They never held her in their arms or tell her with flowery words, just how well she'd done. At the most she'd get a pat on the back – a side hug in the most extreme cases – and a proud exclamation of how well she'd been brought up. _How they hadn't done a thing wrong._

She was used to this. The coldness, the detachment, _the loneliness_. You can't be a Hastings and _not be lonely_. That was the rule. Even though her prim and proper sister never acted like it, Spencer was sure that she felt lonely at times too. And seeing her parents estranged marriage that was full of lack of trust, she hardly thought they were all that affectionate with each other either.

While growing up, she'd craved for her parents to shower her with affection, how her friends' parents did with them. When she saw the way Aria, or Emily or Hanna hugged their mothers, she felt jealous. She didn't exactly _understand_ it, but she thought she'd like it if she were hugged that way. Of course, her friends did give her quick hugs now and then, and she enjoyed it, but she still, didn't understand the physical need someone felt to hold another person that close to them.

It was on one chilly, November evening, that she finally realized it. After being locked up inside the Rosewood Carnival, and having the biggest fright of her life, Spencer felt like she _needed_ someone. Needed a strong pair of hands to hold her, and help her hold herself together. Even after such a traumatic incident, her mother hadn't displayed any motherly instincts or held her to comfort her.

Unnerved and completely out of her comfort zone she'd made her way out of there, shaking with fear and anxiety. She'd found herself unable to calm down, when she'd found him standing a few feet away from her. It was then, that she realized, just how much she wanted to hug somebody, just how much she _needed_ that affection, that comfort and that safety.

She'd stared longilngy at him, wanting nothing more than to be with him, when her mother, sister and Mrs. Ackard had come through, and her mother had asked her to go home with them. With a sinking heart, she'd turned away from him, when she realized that what she _truly_ needed at the moment was _him_. _Fuck it_, she'd thought to herself, and had turned around.

Her hair blowing in the wind, she'd run to him, wanting nothing more than to feel his strong hands around her, holding her, and keeping her from falling apart. And he did – hold her. His hands opened wide and she collapsed into him, pulling him closer to her than what was humanly possible. His arms were around her in an instant – _strong, warm, safe_. It was more comforting and warm than her house had ever been, than anything in her life had ever been. For the first time in her life, Spencer Hastings had felt like she was where she truly belonged.

And then she'd understood. The lengthy descriptions of romantic hugs in the novels, or the way the hero and heroine clung onto each other as if they were the only ones left on the earth, the way her friends grinned after they'd been hugged like that. She understood it all, the hype, the madness associated with it even, and the beauty of it.

With his neck resting in the crook of her neck, and his arms holding her as if she was the most precious thing in the world, she understood it all. She, for the first time felt the strong desire for human contact, and the beauty and serenity it brought.

It wasn't hugs in general, that she loved, though. She wasn't as affectionate to the rest of the world. _It was him_. Toby, with his uncanny ability to make her feel safe, protected and calm. His sweet, gentle nature, and his loving words, and his voice that soothed her and cared for her, and the sound of his heartbeat, which was the most wonderful lullaby she'd ever heard.

Being around him, being loved and cared by him made up for the loneliness of her childhood and early adolosence. When she said that he was worth the wait, she meant in from the deepest pit of her heart. Having Toby in her life, being with him in the most intimate way, made up for everything. He showered her with endless affection, constantly overwhelming her with his words and his unconditional love for her.

This was what safety felt like. _Security_. Love. Home.

"What are you thinking about?"

She snapped out of her thoughts and looked at him, sitting down next to her on the bed, a book in his hand. He'd come over for lunch, and after they'd finished up, they'd settled down on the bed, him with a new book he had purchased, and she, with her laptop, finally catching up on all the television shows she'd missed during the mess of the past year.

Spencer loved afternoons like this, when they did nothing big in particular, but just spent time together, doing their own things. It was then that she truly understood the meaning of companionship, and partnership, and what it meant to truly relish the company of having someone else around you.

"Nothing," she answered coyly, a small smile playing on her lips.

"You were grinning from ear to ear," Toby remarked.

"Aren't you supposed to be reading?" Spencer teased. "You haven't shut up about that book since we got it from Barnes & Nobles on Wednesday."

"I _was_ reading," Toby insisted, grinning. He played with her hair, and twisted it around his fingers. "My favourite book. _You_."

"You know, that sounds like a line from a crazy stalker movie!" Spencer joked, though she felt herself blushing hard. Her insides almost melted at his words, and she once again thought of the ability only _he_ possessed to make her swoon, and go weak in her knees.

Both of them burst out laughing, and Spencer noticed the way his eyes lit up, happy and carefree, and decided that it was the most beautiful sight in the world. Setting her laptop down by the side, she turned to him and clambored on top of him, and cupped his face in her hands.

"I was thinking about _you_," she said, kissing his forehead. "The way you make me feel." She then kissed his left eye lid. "The way you hold me when I'm sad," and then his right eye lid, "and when I'm happy."

She then looked into his eyes, and saw that he was looking at her dreamily, a goofy, lazy grin on his lips. She gave him a chaste, soft kiss on his lips, and continued. "The way you make me love being loved," she said, kissing his cheeks. "By you," she said with satisfaction, kissing his nose.

"The way I never really knew or understood how great hugs were, until _you_ hugged me," she said, leaving a trail of kisses on his neck, and began unbuttoning his shirt. "The way you make me more happy than I thought was possible." Her lips were on his shoulders next, and she heard him groan, as his hands settled down on her waist. "I was thinking about you, Toby Cavanaugh, _you._" She let her hands roam his bare torse, whilst she looked deeply into his eyes, love for him pouring out through them.

His lips were on hers in an instant, fierce, passionate, and she felt the desire inside her grow. She put her hands around his neck, pulling him closer, wanting every bit of him that she could get. The world melted away, and the only people that existed in the world was the two of them. Everything became Toby, and Toby became everything, and even as his lips and tongue pushed all sane and rational thoughts out of her mind, she still thought of just how crazy she was about this boy, and just how she loved him. She'd never even know she was capable of loving so much, of feeling as if her heart was a deep, vast ocean that held the most immense amount of love for him.

"I love you," she whispered, breaking apart from him. "More than anyone. More than anything."

"I love you too," Toby said, his breathing erratic and ragged.

She smiled, holding his face in her hands, and looking at him curiously. "Do you ever think about it?"

"Think about what?" he asked, his hands slowly roaming her back.

"About what would have happened if I hadn't come to your house to tutor you that day?"

He looked at her for a few seconds, before lowering his gaze. Spencer slowly stepped off him, and settled down next to him. She scooted closer to him, and entwined his hand in hers. "Life is so strange. You make one decision, and everything in your life changes. A future, a whole new one you'd never envisioned, would be created. I think that was the best decision I ever made, to tutor you. Walking up your porch that day."

"Well, if you hadn't, I probably wouldn't be here."

"Unless we still found our ways to each other – wait, what do you mean?"

"It doesn't really matter," Toby said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Toby, talk to me," she said softly, turning to face him.

He took a deep breath, and finally faced. "Before you came home that day, I'd been done. One hundred percent absolutely done with life. I'd decided that unless I get a reason to live, a sliver of hope, I was going to end it. Be done with life, and its cruel nature. I didn't think I could go on anymore. It was too much, too painful, too horrible, too dark."

Spencer winced, and hurt and pain shot through her, as Toby was taken away to a memory she couldn't reach.

"And then you came into my life, and it was like the weight was being lifted away, for the first time in forever. After we sat at my porch, conjugating verbs and discussing being falsely accused, I felt like I could actually face life again."

"How did I change that for you?" she asked timidly. They'd never really discussed this before.

"When I realized that the person who probably hated me and wanted me gone the most in the town could change their mind about me, I realized that there was hope. That representation of second chances and hope were the solid foundations on which I rebuilt my life. And after that, you changed everything for me. You taught me to take control of my life back in my hands, made me feel happier than I'd felt in years, and made me want to live."

"And then I learnt to live my life, found something I loved doing, found happiness, and friendship and love, and the rest is history." He was smiling now, one of those genuine, heartfelt smiles that reached his eyes and warmed her heart.

She smiled back at him, realizing that she was to him, what he was to her. It wasn't just he who'd taken her out of her lonely existence and loved her in a way that lit up her whole world and made her insides go warm and fuzzy, it was the other way round too. _She'd_ changed his life as well, and given him something worth living for. They were a team. _Partners_. **Equals.**

"You saved me, Spencer."

"We saved each other," she said firmly, climbing on top of him again. She held his face gently once again, and looked into his eyes. "I love you, okay? I know I don't say it much, but I do. More than I thought I could, more than anything else in the world. I love you, so much, and I always will. I'm always going to be your girl, Toby."

"I love you too," he said, his smile widening. "And I've already been yours since that day...to eternity."

Eager to show him just how much he meant to her, she put her hands around him and hugged him, aligning her entire torse to his. She rested her head on the crook of his neck, and felt him doing the same to her. Even though she couldn't see his face, she could feel him smiling against her skin, and she couldn't help but smile into him too. His hands were tight around her, holding her like she did all those months ago at the carnival, as if she was the most precious thing in the world.

And that's exactly what he was to her as well. _Her world_.

xxx

_and i'm home_

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><p><em>Hope you enjoyed it! Please tell me what you think.<em>

_N_


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